Monday, August 11, 2008

    "She Called It Freddy"              News Stories the Way I Like 'em

Police said they found the remains of a dead baby stuffed in a jar earlier this week. Police said a worker at a pump station found the jar buried Monday. Officials said they have no idea how long the jar was buried but will be using DNA as well as possible fingerprints on the jar to determine who buried the baby. The baby still had an umbilical cord, a medical examiner said, but that the baby's date of birth couldn't be determined. The jar, which is larger than a peanut butter jar, contained food at some point, officials said. Creationist Chuck M.*** claims to be able to disprove the theory of evolution with a jar of peanut butter. It's even found in a jar of Vegemite.
    U.S. Department of Agriculture sets limits on how many insect legs or the like can be found in a jar of peanut butter, for example.
    In Gohar Tepe, northern Iran, discovery of a jar containing the skeleton of a dog in a human grave for the first time has puzzled archeologists. The two skeletons are dated to the 1st millennium BC, just 3000 years after Adam was made out of mud, claims Creationist Chuck M. Archeological excavations led to discovery of the skeleton of a man alongside a dog which was buried in a jar in the same grave. Human burials in jars have commonly been observed in different historic sites of Iran. Similar examples of jar burials of humans have also been found here in Gohar Tepe. However, this is the first time that the skeleton of a dog has also been found in a jar.
    Meanwhile, a most perfect raspberry [was] found in a jar. Somewhere in New Jersey.
    Was a human penis found in a jar of fruit punch? The ones that stay upright are usually found in a jar, claims Creationist Chuck M. He has launched a full inquiry after a dead rat was found in a jar of gherkins. One person believes that he can disprove evolution with a jar of dead rat.
    Okay, go ahead and describe a crime scene photo -- from the family's three-bedroom apartment -- of the master bedroom dresser, which was covered with lotion bottles, stereo speakers and other items. Among them was a jar containing a murky, brownish substance. “It was explained to me that it was a fetus," the NYPD investigator told the jury of 10 women and two men. A $500,000 blue diamond was found in a jar of face cream, and the most notable discovery was of a hoard of silver and gold objects found in a jar below a room floor. Still, Pitanguy is quick to note that true beauty is not found in a jar. [I don't know who he** is, but don't you just love his name?]
    In the same laboratory where he tested a jar of peanut butter, and a gherkin jar containing a [floating] dead rat, Creationist Chuck M. tested nine popular anti-wrinkle creams to find out if the fountain of youth — or at least youthful appearance — can be found in a jar. A possible candidate was found in a jar with very dim worn rectangular stamps.
    The handcuff key was reported to have been found in a jar of salt in a kitchen near the cell; it was found in a jar bearing the queen's insignia and containing some of her embalmed organs. The tooth fit a gap in the mummy's jaw.
    A Ministry spokesman assured the queen that any mouse foot that she found in a jar of pickles would not pose any sort of health risk... she should think of it as:
      1. an emergency calcium supplement
      2. a reality show episode
      3. proof that evidence of evolution is found by comparing a mouse foot and a queen’s foot. In fact, any foreign matter, such as hairs and insects, or any unidentifiable objects found in a jar will result in an immediate disqualification from the contest. U.S. Department of Agriculture sets limits on how many insect legs or the like can be found in a jar of peanut butter, for example, but what about pickles?
    The father of one of the victims (and also a non-official suspect in the murders) publicly stated that his son's testicles were found in a jar; the foot was found in a jar on the porch in a mason jar, while the brain was found in a jar in the bed of a 1962 Dodge pickup truck that was in an impound lot. The queen said the found brain is not human. “Yes it is,” chuckles Creationist Chuck M.
    Speaking of brains and intelligence, did you know that Einstein’s brain was found in a jar in a cardboard box in an office at the University of Kansas? The new professor who had just assumed his duties and moved into his office, called Creationist Chuck M. immediately and laughed. In addition to the brain fragments that are floating around, Albert Einstein's eyeballs were later found in a jar and, even more humiliating, testicles were found in a jar. The queen said the found testicles is not human. “Are too,” snorted Creationist Chuck M., subtly correcting the queen’s grammar.
    By the way, cremated remains are sometimes found in a jar placed inside a larger jar. Occasionally, there are three of more of these nested inside each other. This is the origin of Russian nesting dolls.
    Bones and a piece of linen were found in a jar in 1867 in the attic of a Paris pharmacy. The jar had the inscription: "Remains found under the stake of Joan of Arc, Maid of Orleans." After explaining that Joan of Arc was never a queen, a ministry spokesman refused to let Creationist Chuck M. speak, though his eyebrows spoke volumes. Later he said, “Certainly none of what I think can be found in a box.” People shook their heads. "Box?" said one man.
    Authorities said the hand was found in a jar on Kay's dresser. Friends have said she called it "Freddy." The quote "He meant no disrespect," attributed to a waitress, seems to mean that Freddy meant no disrespect on the single occasion he met Kay and had a sirloin tip (ha ha) at a local steak joint (ha ha). “Get it?” said the queen and Pitanguy in unison. Creationist Chuck M. replied, “No.” According to the waitress on duty that night, "Freddy" spilled HP Sauce**** on Kay's new pleated skirt when he pounded on the bottom of the bottle.
    To wrap things up, remember that 1962 Dodge pickup? Well, another offending brain was found in a jar in the hospital and is now buried, along with a steel penny from 1943 that I found in a jar that my second grade teacher gave me to look through. The rare coin was found in a jar of everyday pennies. Just imagine!
    Did you know that eBay is a good source of rhetorical questions: “Mix Lot of Marbles --140 found in a jar   Are they good!!!” Did anyone you can think of lose 140 marbles some time ago, like maybe on the 7th day?
** Ivo Pitanguy is a plastic surgeon based in Rio de Janeiro Brazil.
*** If you want to see Chuck expound on a jar of peanut butter:
**** I prefer HP Sauce to A-1 Sauce. The former is "Houses of Parliament" sauce, and is superior. It cannot now be found in Giant, Safeway or Super Fresh. I just ordered four bottles (not jars) from Amazon.

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