Sunday, September 7, 2008

    GobbledyGook Has Gotta Go, or       GobbledeGoogle Has Come to Stay

  In 1966, John O'Hayre, reportedly an employee of the United States Office of Land Management, wrote a short booklet called Gobbledygook Has Gotta Go, which was published by the Government Printing Office, and has been reprinted several times. His desire was to simplify the legalese and mumbo-jumbo of government documents. This confusing language, which is almost undoubtedly meant to confuse, was called "government-speak" by George Orwell in 1984 (a book written in 1948 and published in 1949, a few months before Orwell died).
  The English language can be written plain or fancy, and has taken words from all over the world to make it easier for us to write or speak it either way. I was trying to find a "clever" way to name this blog, and remembered the O'Hayre pamphlet (I thought it was Gobbledegook) which I sent away for in 1966. I named my blog GobbledeGoogle because Google gives us access to words, ideas, news, not-news, and people from all over.
  If you are interested in the Plain English movement, go to:
  If you want to read a lot about Orwell, go to

Monday, August 18, 2008

  Decease & Insist, Young Man!

    Time to demand that they cease their order to cease and desist, and correct for North Creek Farms. Time to demand that they cease seasonal boredom, obsessed America! This version of Mighty Joe Young begins with the powerful gorilla whom sweet music lulls brain into quality sleep.
    The novel is as an Esquire review disturbingly well written. Obscenity ... was meant to do-to cause an illegal business to cease and desist. Before the escapees could get away, two young women arrived at the mobile home. Councilor Linda asked Chief Joe Young if the police would be available were Blodgett to drop the cease and desist on the stone wall and request Mr. Blodgett to drop the cease and desist on the stone wall. The pair sent a reply saying, "We will neither cease nor desist" and added: "He's a strong young man. May the sun of your setting out not cease to shine upon a young esquire stunned and buried." "Young man, the secret of my success is that an early age I discovered that I was not God," said Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. [In other words, the young O. W. Holmes.]
    Don't copy this (and don't copy my cease and desist letter, either. Free Speech in Cease and Desist Letters! Hip Hip Hoorah! If you are young and you should write asking to see me and learn how to be a somber young salesperson, Cease & Desist!

Monday, August 11, 2008

Acknowledgment that the Bug Exists

    I was walking and a bug landed near my elbow. I couldn’t ... I was walking and a bug landed near my elbow. I couldn’t tell if it was a mosquito or no but... Well actually I do not know if it was a mosquito or a spider. I asked him if it was a mosquito. "No Señor," he muttered resignedly, "es un jején." “No, senor. You're very kind, but if I were a good salesman, I'd have sold you this rug already."
    This rug displays stunning accents of blue, gold, burgundy, and rust spread across the beautiful patterns of this rug; flanked by stunning accents of luminous 18K gold. Brightens your eyes naturally and sets stunning accents. Pure, luminous shades.
    This incredible pencil brightens your eyes for a younger more alert look. He says it led to an internal memo to ferry employees asking them to be more alert. An Internal memo about urine is promptly leaked. (Weak leak noise and high background noise.) The late Thomas A. Edison, in a penciled memo sold at auction for $230 last week in Philadelphia: "As to the atom, I do not believe it has any internal ..." "I’d say any internal error should always be seen as a bug."
    Weak rulers of the Thirteenth Dynasty led to an internal struggle within the government. Weak rulers who were inefficient and corrupt ruled the roast [sic]. When headless chooks ruled the roost. I ruined the roast. I’ll never forget the smell.
    The tests led to an internal flashover after several days of energization. When the room bursts into flame, flashover has occurred. Bursts into flame · bursts into flame · bursts into flame · bursts into flame · bursts into flame · bursts into flame bursts into flames Bursts Out Laughing.
    “Next, we need to go through the bug list and triage it.” I'm sorry, but I burst out laughing when I saw that one.
    All we're asking for is acknowledgment that the bug exists.

Note: I found the phrase "near my elbow" in a newspaper article, used Google to "Google" it, selected one likely phrase as it appeared in the search list of Google citations, and went from there -- selecting phrases from each "hit" to search for more to add to the story. Finally, I went back and added a couple of "bug" searches.

President McKinley Clutched His Chest

    When the retiree got up to bowl in the fifth frame of his second game, he clutched his chest and fell over, and efforts to revive him failed. They thought she was just being friendly until she clutched her chest and collapsed. After dropping the gate, and while still standing on the rear of the trailer, [Decedent] clutched his chest and fell to the ground.
    That is when the queen clutched her chest and fell to the floor.
    Within 10 minutes of receiving this, the patient sat up in bed, clutched his chest and said, "This is the worst chest pain I've ever had in my life. She clutched her chest. Gold confetti fell on her tear-streaked cheeks, and on the large Iraqi. A fleck of dust rose from Jackson's coat and his left hand clutched his chest. She put down her pizza, clutched her chest, gurgled loudly, and threw herself. He clutched his chest, then made a motion to reach for the ball on the ground to pick it up and throw to first base. In the middle of a lecture our professor suddenly clutched his chest and started shouting breathlessly for some water. She clutched her chest and wept when she learned of her neighbor's death. "He didn't deserve this," she said. "He was a very nice man.”
    He tried to help the older woman inside move the car. When he reached for the door handle, he said, she clutched her chest. "I hit really hard," said Vincent, who rolled over and clutched his chest after being upended. She testified that she clutched her chest and thought she was dying.
    I actually thought that I imagined that he clutched his chest.
    Jessica clutched her chest, looked like a trapped deer, tears welled into... He was teaching his tune Joy Spring to a Cambodian teenager last week when he suddenly clutched his chest and died. As she ate, she suddenly clutched her chest, gasped, gazed at her daughter, and died, falling from her chair. He was impaled and clutched his chest to wrench free the spear. She probably clutched her chest like she always does when something takes... And then, 'course, he clutched his chest, and they immediately sped up. Real fast, you know. He tried to help the woman, but she reportedly clutched her chest before the accident. 
"I think she maybe mistook the gas for the brake." A backup wide receiver clutched his chest and fell to the ground. She burst out screaming, clutched her chest. He clutched his chest and walked a few yards before collapsing. And despite efforts to revive him... She clutched her chest and her hip when the roof blew off her bamboo home. Jordan clutched his chest and pounded furiously on his cell door. "He had his ups and downs, but he was no problem," said his grandmother, as she clutched her chest and wept. The wounded president dropped his cane, clutched his chest with his right hand.
    Do you know what to do if your customer suddenly clutched her chest and passed out? McKinley looked confused and rose up on his toes, clutched his chest. She said that she would kill the dogs as well as herself, and clutched her chest. Arthur instinctively clutched his chest wound and ducked his head.
    They thought she was just being friendly until she clutched her chest and collapsed. Dust rose from Jackson's coat and his left hand clutched his chest.
    She clutched her chest and sighed: “To have gotten the pink, uh,...”
    Charles clutched his chest and writhed in agony after falling on a steep bank. She clutched her chest, and my partner says the monitor went "crazy". Took one look at the monitor, let out a terrible scream, clutched her chest and fell dead upon the floor.
    McKinley looked confused and rose up on his toes, clutched his chest, and leaned forward.

Googling “clutched his chest” news garnered 709 hits in 0.12 seconds. Googling “clutched her chest” news garnered 4,090 hits in 0.14 seconds Googling “grabbed her chest” news garnered 11,800 hits in 0.46 seconds Googling “grabbed his chest” news garnered 16,900 hits in 0.34 seconds

    "She Called It Freddy"              News Stories the Way I Like 'em

Police said they found the remains of a dead baby stuffed in a jar earlier this week. Police said a worker at a pump station found the jar buried Monday. Officials said they have no idea how long the jar was buried but will be using DNA as well as possible fingerprints on the jar to determine who buried the baby. The baby still had an umbilical cord, a medical examiner said, but that the baby's date of birth couldn't be determined. The jar, which is larger than a peanut butter jar, contained food at some point, officials said. Creationist Chuck M.*** claims to be able to disprove the theory of evolution with a jar of peanut butter. It's even found in a jar of Vegemite.
    U.S. Department of Agriculture sets limits on how many insect legs or the like can be found in a jar of peanut butter, for example.
    In Gohar Tepe, northern Iran, discovery of a jar containing the skeleton of a dog in a human grave for the first time has puzzled archeologists. The two skeletons are dated to the 1st millennium BC, just 3000 years after Adam was made out of mud, claims Creationist Chuck M. Archeological excavations led to discovery of the skeleton of a man alongside a dog which was buried in a jar in the same grave. Human burials in jars have commonly been observed in different historic sites of Iran. Similar examples of jar burials of humans have also been found here in Gohar Tepe. However, this is the first time that the skeleton of a dog has also been found in a jar.
    Meanwhile, a most perfect raspberry [was] found in a jar. Somewhere in New Jersey.
    Was a human penis found in a jar of fruit punch? The ones that stay upright are usually found in a jar, claims Creationist Chuck M. He has launched a full inquiry after a dead rat was found in a jar of gherkins. One person believes that he can disprove evolution with a jar of dead rat.
    Okay, go ahead and describe a crime scene photo -- from the family's three-bedroom apartment -- of the master bedroom dresser, which was covered with lotion bottles, stereo speakers and other items. Among them was a jar containing a murky, brownish substance. “It was explained to me that it was a fetus," the NYPD investigator told the jury of 10 women and two men. A $500,000 blue diamond was found in a jar of face cream, and the most notable discovery was of a hoard of silver and gold objects found in a jar below a room floor. Still, Pitanguy is quick to note that true beauty is not found in a jar. [I don't know who he** is, but don't you just love his name?]
    In the same laboratory where he tested a jar of peanut butter, and a gherkin jar containing a [floating] dead rat, Creationist Chuck M. tested nine popular anti-wrinkle creams to find out if the fountain of youth — or at least youthful appearance — can be found in a jar. A possible candidate was found in a jar with very dim worn rectangular stamps.
    The handcuff key was reported to have been found in a jar of salt in a kitchen near the cell; it was found in a jar bearing the queen's insignia and containing some of her embalmed organs. The tooth fit a gap in the mummy's jaw.
    A Ministry spokesman assured the queen that any mouse foot that she found in a jar of pickles would not pose any sort of health risk... she should think of it as:
      1. an emergency calcium supplement
      2. a reality show episode
      3. proof that evidence of evolution is found by comparing a mouse foot and a queen’s foot. In fact, any foreign matter, such as hairs and insects, or any unidentifiable objects found in a jar will result in an immediate disqualification from the contest. U.S. Department of Agriculture sets limits on how many insect legs or the like can be found in a jar of peanut butter, for example, but what about pickles?
    The father of one of the victims (and also a non-official suspect in the murders) publicly stated that his son's testicles were found in a jar; the foot was found in a jar on the porch in a mason jar, while the brain was found in a jar in the bed of a 1962 Dodge pickup truck that was in an impound lot. The queen said the found brain is not human. “Yes it is,” chuckles Creationist Chuck M.
    Speaking of brains and intelligence, did you know that Einstein’s brain was found in a jar in a cardboard box in an office at the University of Kansas? The new professor who had just assumed his duties and moved into his office, called Creationist Chuck M. immediately and laughed. In addition to the brain fragments that are floating around, Albert Einstein's eyeballs were later found in a jar and, even more humiliating, testicles were found in a jar. The queen said the found testicles is not human. “Are too,” snorted Creationist Chuck M., subtly correcting the queen’s grammar.
    By the way, cremated remains are sometimes found in a jar placed inside a larger jar. Occasionally, there are three of more of these nested inside each other. This is the origin of Russian nesting dolls.
    Bones and a piece of linen were found in a jar in 1867 in the attic of a Paris pharmacy. The jar had the inscription: "Remains found under the stake of Joan of Arc, Maid of Orleans." After explaining that Joan of Arc was never a queen, a ministry spokesman refused to let Creationist Chuck M. speak, though his eyebrows spoke volumes. Later he said, “Certainly none of what I think can be found in a box.” People shook their heads. "Box?" said one man.
    Authorities said the hand was found in a jar on Kay's dresser. Friends have said she called it "Freddy." The quote "He meant no disrespect," attributed to a waitress, seems to mean that Freddy meant no disrespect on the single occasion he met Kay and had a sirloin tip (ha ha) at a local steak joint (ha ha). “Get it?” said the queen and Pitanguy in unison. Creationist Chuck M. replied, “No.” According to the waitress on duty that night, "Freddy" spilled HP Sauce**** on Kay's new pleated skirt when he pounded on the bottom of the bottle.
    To wrap things up, remember that 1962 Dodge pickup? Well, another offending brain was found in a jar in the hospital and is now buried, along with a steel penny from 1943 that I found in a jar that my second grade teacher gave me to look through. The rare coin was found in a jar of everyday pennies. Just imagine!
    Did you know that eBay is a good source of rhetorical questions: “Mix Lot of Marbles --140 found in a jar   Are they good!!!” Did anyone you can think of lose 140 marbles some time ago, like maybe on the 7th day?
** Ivo Pitanguy is a plastic surgeon based in Rio de Janeiro Brazil.
*** If you want to see Chuck expound on a jar of peanut butter:
**** I prefer HP Sauce to A-1 Sauce. The former is "Houses of Parliament" sauce, and is superior. It cannot now be found in Giant, Safeway or Super Fresh. I just ordered four bottles (not jars) from Amazon.