Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Cats: Spirit Releasement for Meowpolis

        At one time the cat was considered the guardian spirit of a house! Yes! I swear one time the cat almost touched the 10 foot ceilings. But that's what we mean when we talk about Spirit! How Refreshingly Spacious!
        The 10-foot ceilings are simply arrived at by jumping. Isn’t that amazing? The 10-Foot Ceilings Make it Feel Even Larger. Right. I'm jealous of all the 10 foot ceilings. I have 8 foot ceilings.
        Despite that, I generally talk about Spirit Releasement. Which usually happens when you jump. Like for example:
        One time, the cat jumped on my ex-boyfriend's leg and bit him. I thought it was possibly Spirit Releasement. One time the cat clawed the heck out of my face, yep, Spirit Releasement and then another time on the doorstep, one time, the cat drug a brick -- a curlyhaired child sat, puzzling over the convolutions of a tangled string. Probably not Spirit Releasement.
        This morning i found that she had drug a brick out from somewhere -- after she allegedly was driving a truck that ran over and dragged a brick mailbox along Hamacher Street. (We have a lot of pictures of dogs driving cars, now here is one for all the cat lovers out there. This cat is taking a drive. NOTE: New York driver cat will b flippin u off in about 2 seconds.)
        And her purring? It’s the sound you would hear if you dragged a brick across concrete. Don’t know why; didn’t really care.
        So, this next part’s about my Grandpa and the cat: At one time the cat stayed around the back -- stayed around the back of the roof, where no one could see. I stayed around the back-middle section, frequently thinking to myself, you know, that Grandpa always stayed around the back. I was, like, you know, laughing so much at Grandpa and the cat. Then Grandpa dragged a brick out of the hole and threw it to the side.
        One time the cat peed on the convertible handles of my car. Now that was a vindictive cat. Well, yes, I peed on the baby... but it was a total accident and not an act of revenge for the multiple times she had peed on me. I was trying to entertain the _______. "I'm trying to entertain,” I exclaimed to the crowd. (NOTE: I'd highly advise against making jokes or trying to entertain the crowd unless you know what you are doing.)
        This next part's about Arthur and Romaine.
        “Now I’m going to go into business with my cat: Unique Peed On Floor Designs. With very fast shipping.” said Arthur.
        “But please don't give my cats any ideas -- aaahh, we don't need any pee outside the litter box,” begged Romaine.
        “Hey! Here’s our Unique Design Cat Waterer, made from a can,” said Arthur. “The amount of water your cat needs to drink each day depends a lot ... depends a lot on luck... For example: There may come a time when you run out of kitty litter and are unable to get to the store. The following steps will allow you to turn this litter crisis around. Go to your paper shredder and remove the shreddings from the bin. If you don't have shredded paper, you can shred newspaper, junk mail and used paper bags. If you don't have a shredder, you can simply rip these items up. IF you don't have any paper laying around but DO have a nice can of Coke just sitting next to you...take the can, make sure it's empty, poke a couple holes and you’re good to ‘go’ (heh heh),” said Arthur calmly.
        "Why, the idea of it! ...” said Romaine. "I don't know."
        "I'm not certain," said Arthur, undaunted. "The roof may not fall down yet.” (NOTE: Does a ten foot high ceiling take longer to fall than an eight foot ceiling?)
        “But should I really poke a couple holes in them?” said Romaine. “I haven't tried it, but this looks like one of those ‘wear clothes’ situations.”
        (For most cats, wearing clothing is unpleasant to say the least.)
        “Well, that depends a lot on what precisely you mean,” said Arthur again.
        “If you're saying that you don't need any... well, we already have enough laws about discrimination and individual rights on the books now and we don't need any pee pee preference laws,” exclaimed Romaine.
        Hey! here’s some more cat stories! In the woods one time, the cat rubbed around me, jumped into the undergrowth and one time the cat got so excited she peed on the chair.
        One time the cat came over and bit Ruby, my sister.
            And bit.
            Ruby gasped.
            And bit Ruby on the leg. I was yelling.
            And bit Ruby on the nose. No, not me, stupid, the cat.
        We had this cat one time, the cat was a cool cat, don't get me wrong, but. Don't get me wrong but it was terribly too slow. In fact, one time the cat threw up, and I ... One time the cat had gotten up in the mattress. I suppose what she meant was...but then she explained that what she meant was that she didn't know anyone else. What she meant was she didn't want to have to listen to me talking.
        Oh, and there was that one time the cat sat down on my command? But it was just that one time. OK, twice. But that's it.

1 comment:

Linda Campbell Franklin said...

yes, the most amazing phrase maybe ever found by my gobbledeGoogling is "pee pee preference" so naturally I had to build the story so that i could fit that in.